I cockslap morals
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Welp...herpes.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
