I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
