I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
