Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
