last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
