So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
