The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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