Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
