I wish I could punch you in the face.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
