you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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