when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Never underestimate the power of titties
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
