i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
