just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
