So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
