i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I'm at about main and main street
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
