i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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