Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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