my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
