The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
