True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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