I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize