Your mouth is God's brothel.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
