i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
