I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
