I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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