things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
