If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
