Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
