I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
