I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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