If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
