Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
