when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
