you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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