So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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