so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
