textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
