Ambien. No doubt about it.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
