He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
