those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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