I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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