the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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