Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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