I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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