Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
