It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
