Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
