now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
