How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
