Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
