I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
