You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
