Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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