Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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