He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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