I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
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