i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
