Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize