I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
