Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
