$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I just want nice things and good sex
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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