so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
