...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
