you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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