I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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