My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
