I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
