if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
