I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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