matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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