new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
