is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
my being single is dangerous.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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